Shame, The Darkened Skin

 Don't stare at me because I am dark -- the sun has darkened my skin.  My brothers were angry with me; they forced me to care for their vineyards, so I couldn't care for myself -- my own vineyard. (Song of Solomon 1: 6 NLV)


The words come from the young woman, who represents those beloved by Jesus,  in the Song of Solomon.  This poor lover comes to her beloved, Jesus, ashamed because she dark and ugly, exhausted by work in the vineyards.  She's worked in the vineyards of those who've manipulated her in their anger to care for their vineyards. She's worked so hard there has been no time, no energy to care for herself -- her own vineyard.    Work worn and ugly she comes to her lover feeling spent and shamed.  She's worked in the vineyard to keep her angry brothers from being angry with her.  The angry brothers cannot love her leaving her feeling ugly and ashamed, afraid the lover will stare at her in disgust for giving herself to those who would abuse her for profit instead of pursuing her lover.  He understands her need for love.

The lover proceeds to tell her, his lover, how lovely she is.  It doesn't matter that she's become a shabby field hand of angry brothers. Instead, he leads her into secret gardens to speak of how lovely she is.  Responding, relaxing from her shame, she begins to enjoy his gaze rather than fear his stare and to speak of his strength and of his rugged handsome face. Worship.  The two lovers are enthralled with the presence of the other.

He speaks to her again: My Dove is hiding behind the rocks, behind an outcrop on the cliff.  Let me see your face; let me hear your voice.  For your voice is pleasant, and your face is lovely. Catch all the little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming.  (Song of Solomon 2: 14-15 NLV)   Again she hides in shame in the rocks; her wasted darkened body is disgusting only to her, not to the lover.  Instead, the lover longs for that face; he longs for that voice.  She asks him to catch all the little foxes that would ruin the vineyard of their love, before they ruin the love as it produces fruit.   The foxes will eat the grapes destroying this vineyard.  Instinctively she know she cannot keep herself from selling herself again to angry brothers or keep herself from hiding in the rocks.  I want to believe you love me, my face, and my voice; Lover defend our love she asks.

My lover is mine, and I am his. He browses among the lilies. (Song of Solomon 2:16)

My Sabbatical Life

This blog started out as a way to chronicle the lessons of a sabbatical year, a year of rest and restoration from a deep, unhealthy weariness that caused physical pain and deep depression.  My sabbatical year turned into a return to busyness and exhaustion; then again to rest.   I'm finding myself in a place where my body will simply not allow me to live life at the frenetic pace I had become accustomed to keeping.  At first I discovered guilt, shame, grief, bitterness, anger and a deep "lostness."  However, day by day I become more and more aware of His priorities, His presence, and His love.  I am learning to live life from a place of centered rest realizing that this isn't a break so that I can do; this sabbatical is the life He's been urging me to live for many years.  I can see that He's sewn the seeds of this life through the words so many people in many places for years, really since my heart began searching for Him and for this deep rest.  Though I've known His love for many years, in My Sabbatical Life I've come to enjoy it, and I don't want to live anywhere else the rest of my life.  "Be still and know that I am God" is not a recess; it's a lifestyle.   Stillness is bringing a slower, richer, more life-giving activity than I've ever known. 

My greedy heart is still prone to plunge itself the muchness and manyness of our culture. I am still confessing the sinful lifestyle of religious perfectionism that insists I can find and give life on my own, that insists that everyone around me validate my efforts.   I still want to stuff the holes in my heart with all that this paradise lost we live in offers.  I still suffer from delusions of grandeur that fool me into believing that I must save and can save every organization, every project, every hurt feeling or every lost heart.   If I don't run in and do, all will be lost.  I live in an imagination that spins more ideas than I can possibly do in a lifetime.  Now I am learning to lay all these distractions at the foot of the cross and walk hand in hand with the Master in a different direction.  Sabbatical is the place from which every new journey, every new relationship is launched.

Jesus is patiently teaching me how to live here and how to find my way back when I wander.   We do well when we share the stories of our journey with one another.   We do well when we speak of what we are learning of Jesus.   We live well when we encourage one another to know Him instead of do more.   If we know Him, we know what He is doing.  If we know Him, we can do that things He is doing and no more.  If we know Him, we know He is already smiling.  If we know Him, even the most mundane tasks are Holy.  If we know Him, we have done all He needs us to do.  He will do the rest.   Discovering what this life looks like and remembering its lessons are the purposes of this blog.  It serves as an altar of remembrance for me, and I hope an encouragement to find Jesus and sit on His lap for you.